While reading today through a friend’s post who recently travelled all alone to Istanbul, he concluded with a statement about how he was alone but not lonely. I was a bit upset because I am a person who mostly keeps herself busy as to avoid the sudden realization that in fact she is very lonely and upon reading his statement, it just hit me.
I’m not trying to be dramatic as some may think. I believe that what differs lonely people from others is the ability to share heart-to heart secrets. And this is exactly where I fail. I’m not sure if it’s mistrust in people or just my constant fear of being exposed as a fragile person. But I never tell what I really feel and people who know me well may never find out or they just accept the fact that I am a better listener.
I will try to dig more into the reasons, but I would say it’s mainly due to the structure of my family. I was never able to whine a lot when I was a child because I would feel guilty adding more troubles to my mom’s stressful life. I was the eldest girl whose siblings came seeking help or advice. I wasn’t that popular in school and my occasional friends were blabber mouths and wouldn’t give me a chance to express much. When I grew up, I got to know friends who I can talk to more freely, but it never came down to having this heart-to-heart conversations where one would end up crying after complaining about everything.
My worst fear ever is that this would continue even after finding my life partner. What panics me most in life is growing old all alone. What panics me even more is to find myself lonely in a relationship, and this is where I probably will end up if I don’t start opening up to people.
“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” So maybe I’ll try to break this wall from the inside instead of waiting for people to do so.
